Over the years my relationship with my clients became a tether of finances and chemicals. It wasn’t about person-to-person relationships. I understood it psychologically, but not
The psychotherapy of my situation was that I took care of others first; my children, my husband, my patients. As a child I was a peacemaker. I was a peacemaker in my family. I was a peacemaker
between my family and the neighbors. I had an urge to make peace, to help relationships. It has always been with me.
I saw in my psych therapy practice that I was becoming a robot. I felt manipulated by the system. I had to constantly barter services. I did not like it. It wasn’t a healing approach.
As a traditional practitioner I subscribed to fear inherent in striving to maintain status quo. I was not healing myself or others. Instead I was wrapping all of us in more fear. My false story related a disconnection for which I blamed ‘the system’.
I should be thankful that the system got ever more painful for me. In reality, the system remained the same but I experienced more discomfort as I recognized more and more how I perceived it to be infringing on my standard of care. I was seeing more clients to make more money, and eventually woke up to the realization that I had become irritable and short with my patients, not fully listening to them, not being present with them; because I perceived no choice other than to practice that way.
When you make decisions out of fear, 10 out of 10 times it’s a bad choice. When you make decisions out of love for yourself, “This is something good for me and I am choosing to do it…” the result is much better choices.